What the cfku?
by Cap Cid Highwind
Summary: COMPLETE! Hojo plans to take over the world with his new machine. Can AVALANCHE stop him? Alas, Sephiroth enters the fray, to find his lucky socks! What of the danger in the shadows 'guised as Rufus' Stuffed Mako-Bear, Pooky-Wookums? Read on!
1. The End Begins, Or Does It?

"What the #%$&^!?"   
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Part I  
  
  
  
[ The scene opens in Cid's house. All are gathered in the living room ]  
  
Cloud: Hey! Cid? How come we can only pick up 3 channels here?!  
Cid: Ain't no need for more than three! Channel 1 is Shinra TV.   
Channel 2 is the Home Shopping Network, and Channel 3 is the one Dukes of   
Hazzard comes on!  
Cloud: Oh... But, you know, the basic cable is only 10 Gil more than   
you pay for these three channels. And you get 99 channels with that...  
Cid: Hey! Shut the hell up! I don't go to your house and tell you   
what to buy!  
Cloud: Actually, you do. You always tell me my house looks like,   
"The Friggen' Fag Flea Market"....and that I need more manly curtains.  
Cid: Well, damn man!! Pink and blue?! What kinda man has pink and   
blue curtains?!  
Cloud: Me....  
Cid: Exactly. You obviously aren't a REAL man!  
Cloud: Hey!! I strike fear into the souls of all! I'm real scary!!  
Cid: The only thing SCARY about you is your INTENSE HOMOSEXUALITY!!  
Barret: Hey! Shu'up foo's! We ain't got time fo' dis nonsense!  
Tifa: What do you mean?  
Barret: We gonna raid da' Shinra 'gain!  
Red XIII: Why are we doing that again? We just did it last week.  
Barret: Yeah, but I heard dat Hojo be workin' on some kinda new   
fonky-ass weapon! We got's ta check it out, yo!  
Vincent: Hojo...am I about to commit..another sin..?  
Cid: What the #%$&^!? You're not gonna start that crap again are   
you?!  
Barret: Neva'be'mindin' dat! Les' go!  
  
[ Meanwhile, at Shinra, on the 70th Floor... ]  
  
Rufus: Okay, here's the deal. We are going to give you 5 Million Gil   
if you can just tell us where it is, okay?  
Reeve: Yeah. You won't get a better deal than that.  
Heidegger: Feel privelidged!! The president rarely makes an offer such   
as this to your kind! GYA HA HA!  
?????: ......................  
Rufus: So that's how it is, hm? Then, I'm afraid we have no   
alternative. Reno! Rude! Toss this ingrate off of the balcony. He has failed   
us utterly.  
Reno & Rude: Yes sir!  
Rufus: [ Shaking his head ] I truly regret this, old friend...  
Reno & Rude: [ Carry a shady figure out onto the balcony and toss it over..   
As the light hits the figure, it is revealed to be none other than Rufus'   
lifelong friend...Pooky-Wookums, The Stuffed Mako Bear ]  
Reeve: I'm sorry, sir.  
Heidegger: Gya....  
Rufus: It's quite all right. He always annoyed me anyhow. Foolish   
Mako Bear.... I warned him..  
  
[ AVALANCHE suddenly burst into the room ]  
  
Barret: Okay! Where is it?!  
Rufus: We already tossed it over the balcony. You're too late! Heh,   
heh..  
Cid: &%$*(#*(!!! Damn!! Wait, what are we talking about?  
Reeve: Pooky-Wookums, The Stuffed Mako Bear, of course.  
Vincent: P-Pooky-Wookums?! Lucrecia's favorite childhood toy! No! I   
have committed yet another sin! Damn it all! ...If I could only have saved   
her bear...but I could not. That is my sin... More nightmares shall come to--  
Cid: Goddammit!! Shut the hell up!! Barret, get on with this!  
Barret: Awright!  
Rufus: Say, how can you guys repeatedly break through our high-tech   
security measures on almost a weekly basis?  
Barret: Ain't nonna that be matterin'! We gonna have to mess some   
Shinra shit up now! Where's Hojo?!  
Rufus: Hojo? Why, he's on vacation in Costa Del Sol. Why do you ask?  
Cloud: We heard he's created a new Shinra weapon! We must stop him!  
Rufus: Oh? Then in that case..he's not in Costa Del Sol. He's in...   
Reeve? Make up some lie about where Hojo is. I'm still too emotionally   
scarred from what happened to Pooky-Wookums...  
Vincent: Why..? God, why..?  
Cid: SHUT THE (#*$)@# UP!!  
Reeve: Er..Hojo is at the Gold Saucer. He has entered the Jam   
Contest. Yeah. That's it. Jam Contest.  
Cloud: Right! To Gold Saucer! Let's gallop our happy little round   
asses on over yonder, shall we? *Giggle*  
Cid: Aw, shit. I'm not even gonna comment on that one.  
  
[ Later, after a rigorous ass-beating by Cid, Cloud and the rest reach Gold   
Saucer ]  
  
Cait Sith: Oh! I know people here!  
Tifa: Yes, we know, Cait Sith.  
Cait Sith: Well, I'm so fricken' happy for you!  
Barret: Otay! Here's da deal! We gonna find Hojo an' kick his scrawny   
ass 'til he be handin' ova' dat new weapon! Got it?!  
Cid: Hell yeah! Don't get simpler than that!  
Cloud: Righty-O!!  
Cid: What the #%$&^?! [ a swift kick to Cloud's ass was given ]  
Cloud: OW!! Argh!  
Cid: Dammit! Stop embarrassin' us with that kinda fruity talkin'!  
Red XIII: I have a jam I wish to enter in the Jam contest. I'll enter   
it and look for Hojo at the same time then.  
Cloud: Oh! I have a jam I want to enter as well! I'll join you!  
Cid: Hey! I got the winnin' jam recipe in my pocket! I'm comin'   
too!  
Barret: Awright! You guys head ova to da Jam Booth, the rest of ya'   
split up and look fo' dat Hojo! Move it!  
  
[ Everyone scatters. Now, on to the Jam contest... ]  
  
Red XIII: [ Stands proudly beside his jar of beautiful, bright red jam ]  
Cloud: [ Stands gleefully behind his jar of dark yellow jam ]  
Cid: [ Stands confidently behind his jar of pitch black jam ]  
Rufus: [ Steps between Cloud and Cid, setting his own jar of jam on   
the table ] Oh. You all are here too?  
Cid: Damn straight! And that jar of happy purple shit you call jam   
ain't got a chance against MY recipe!  
Cloud: No way! My "Cloud's Mama's Secret Jam" will surely win!  
Red XIII: Ah, but my jam is made from special berries only found in   
Cosmo Canyon! The sweetest on the planet. I'm a shoe-in!  
Rufus: I'm afraid I will win. Why? I am the President, and I have a   
gun. [ Raises his shotgun, aiming it across the room at the judges, who wave   
the 1st Place Ribbon at Rufus, grinning nervously ]  
Cid: Ain't no arguin' with that. Well, I got second for sure!  
Cloud: No way!  
Red XIII: Shh! Here come the judges!  
  
[ After the tasting... ]  
  
Moderator: We have a winner! One judge will speak on behalf of all   
the judges, saying why he liked, or disliked the particular jam!  
Judge: I voted for President Rufus' jam because I have a wife   
and three children to support! The Red creature came in second, because his   
jam was like a Mako Cannon of flavor, exploding in my mouth!  
Scarlet: Please!! Call it, Sister Ray!!  
Judge: ..Anyway, the spikey-headed fellow came in third, because   
his jam was truly old-fasioned, and impressed all of us! As for the Captain,   
well...after Judge #1 tasted his jam and died instantly..we decided to   
just...give him last place then and there.  
Cid: (*%#)$#$!@!!!!!  
Cloud: What the heck was IN that jam?  
Cid: Just the best stuff on the Planet! Used chewin' tobbacco,   
tar, nicotine, and some dried tobbacco leaves! How could it possibly lose!  
Red XIII: *Gulp* You...used that jam on my sandwich   
earlier...didn't you?  
Cid: Hell yeah!! It was good, right?!  
Red XIII: [ Doesn't respond. Simply leans forward, and hacks up his   
lunch all over Rufus' shoes ]  
Rufus: Oh my... I guess this means we won't become friends.  
Cid: Damn straight! Let's get outta here!  
  
[ The three AVALANCHE members flee before Rufus can get a beat on them. All   
of them soon meet up in the Gold Saucer main entrance soon after. ]  
  
Barret: I done looked all ova' da' place! Ain't no Hojo here!  
Tifa: I thought I saw him in Ghost Square, but it was just a   
corpse.  
Cait Sith: An honest mistake. That there Hojo feller looks a lot   
like a corpse, ya' know?  
Sephiroth: [ Suddenly appears out of nowhere ]  
Cloud: FROINLAVEN!  
Sephiroth: Excuse me, but I heard someone mention Hojo. Perhaps I   
can help you guys.  
Barret: Why you wanna help us?  
Sephiroth: Well, you see, Hojo borrowed my last clean pair of socks..   
I must get them back.  
Cid: Why the #*&$# do you need a pair of socks?!  
Sephiroth: They are my lucky socks, you see...  
Tifa: Lucky socks?  
Sephiroth: Yes. I wore them up until our final encounter in the   
crater, at which point you'd notice I had no feet to put socks on, hence,   
this is why I was defeated.  
Barret: Damn! So, all we gotta do is get dem socks, and you'll be   
powerless!!  
Sephiroth: Now just hold on... You can't take my socks. I won't   
allow it!  
Cloud: He's gonna kill us!! [ Ducks and covers ]  
Sephiroth: [ Readies his sword, but falls over in the process ]   
Argh!!  
Cid: Hey! He really IS unlucky without those socks!!  
Barret: Dat settles it! We goin' back to Shinra and find out   
where Hojo be! Not only can we stop 'im from completin' his new weapon, but   
we can stop Sephiroth at da' same time!  
Cloud: S-stop Sephiroth...? Yes!! To the Shinra Building!!  
Cid: Good work, kid! Yer finally gettin' the hang of it! Let's   
go!!  
Sephiroth: Can...someone help me up...?  
  
[ At the Shinra Building, floor 70... ]  
  
Rufus: ..And so, I won the Jam Contest.  
Reeve: Impressive, sir.  
Heidegger: How did you fend off the Super Plastic-Coated Aliens   
again?  
Rufus: Well, it was simple....  
  
[ AVALANCHE once again bursts in ]  
  
Reeve: Oh, here they are.  
Heidegger: GYA HA!! GUARDS! Seize them!  
Guards: [ Bump into each other and pass out ]  
Rufus: How absurd. Heidegger, why do not you seize them?  
Heidegger: Because! I'm...too important?  
Rufus: Fair enough. Well, what do you guys want? If you came for   
my ribbon, you may as well forget it.  
Barret: We wanna know where Hojo be! He weren't at the Gold   
Saucer!  
Cloud: Yeah! We need his weapon plans and his socks!  
Reeve: His socks? That's a new one...  
Cid: Shut up! You freakin' fruit!  
Cait Sith: Hey! Stoppit!!  
Cid: Oh..oops. Sorry about that.  
Rufus: Reeve. Lie. Pronto. I have more gloating to dispense.  
Reeve: Hojo is...uh...playing Hide and Seek with you.  
Vincent: The twisted bastard...  
Tifa: So, where is he hiding?!  
Reeve: Um...in the Turtle's Paradise pub! Yeah!  
Cid: Aw shit...that means we gotta go to....  
Cloud: Wutai!! Let's beat feet!  
Cid: You are seriously pissing me off with that shit....  
  
[ The gang travels to Wutai... Meanwhile, in the Turtle's Paradise Pub....]  
  
Yuffie: ..So I was, like, Oh my GAWD, I can't beleive you think I   
wanna touch THAT thing!  
Mukki: What did you do, bubby?  
Yuffie: I charged an extra 25 gil AND a command materia!  
Mukki: [ Dull look ]  
  
[ What do you know? AVALANCHE bursts in ]  
  
Barret: Yo-yo-yo!! Where be Hojo?!  
Cid: Yeah! Wait 'til I get my hands on that gangly-looking   
assdancing, titty pirate!  
Cloud: Titty pirate..? HAR HAR HAR!! *Snort* HAR HAR...HEYUK   
*SnortSnort* HEEHHEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!!!  
Tifa: [ Simply kicks the living shit out of Cloud ]  
Cid: Thanks. I woulda killed him if you hadn't done that.  
Red XIII: May I suggest we proceed with the current ongoing events   
in question?  
Yuffie: GAWD!! I was having talkie-poo time with my FRIEND! What   
do YOU guys want?!  
Barret: We wanna know where Hojo be at! We done heard he be   
hidin' his scrawny white ass here!  
Yuffie: OH!! Him! He's..uh..OVER THERE!! [ Points in some random   
location, hopping up and down ]  
AVALANCHE: [ All turn to look. Seeing nothing, they turn back to find   
Yuffie gone and Sephiroth standing in her place ]  
Cloud: SEPHIROTH!! ARGH!!! HUNGHUE!! [ Falls over ]  
Vincent: What are you doing here...?  
Sephiroth: I heard Hojo was here, but it looks like we all got lied   
to. I can't beleive you guys fell for that, by the way.  
Cid: Fell for what?!  
Sephiroth: Check your materia stock.  
Tifa: Hey!! My materia is gone!!  
Cait Sith: Mine too!! Even that fake one I made of of my own ca-ca!!  
Barret: I ain't got no Materia on me either!! Damn!!!!  
Red XIII: This is most unfortunate. Could she not choose a more   
inopportune time to do this to us?  
Vincent: ..More nightmares will come to--  
Cid: OH PUT A SOCK IN IT!! Does ANYONE have any goddamn   
materia left?!  
Cloud: Uh..I do! It's..uh...HP-MP Materia..... [ Equips it ]  
Barret: No!! Don't do dat, foo'!!!  
Cloud: Why not...?  
Sephiroth: [ Decks Cloud across the jaw with the hilt of Masamune ]  
Cloud: [ Dies ]  
Cid: DAMN THAT STUPID MATERIA!!!!  
Sephiroth: Now, if you'll excuse me, I must ask those Shinra people   
once again where Hojo is. Good day. [ Poof ]  
Red XIII: [ Looks over Clouds dead body ] Someone got a phoenix   
down?  
Mukki: Hey, bubby! Let me handle it....  
Cid: Damn man, I'm leaving before I have to see this...  
  
[ Fade Out ]  
  
Narrator: WHAT will become of Cloud?! Will the gang be able to   
retrieve their precious materia from Yuffie yet again?! Will Sephiroth find   
his socks?! Will anyone in AVALANCHE remember that Rufus told them Hojo was   
in Costa Del Sol or will they contine to beleive the lies?! Will Hojo destroy   
all with his new weapon?! Find out next time in the continuing   
saga.............  
  
"What the #%$&^?!"  
  
To be continued.....  
  
All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 


	2. RedXIII's Big Lunch

"What the #%$&^!?"   
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Part II  
  
  
  
[ The scene opens on a grassy field, miles outside of Midgar. A congragation   
is gathered there, a small casket suspended over an equally small rectangular   
hole... ]  
  
Priest: ...And so, we say goodbye to a friend. A loved one. Beloved   
companion of our great President, Rufus Shinra...  
Rufus: [Stands motionless and unemotional]  
Priest: May ye have an eternal rest. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...  
Rufus: [Steps forward and tosses a yellow rose onto the casket]  
Priest: We commit the body of..Pooky-Wookums, The Stuffed Mako Bear, to   
this eternal resting place, serene and pleasant...  
[Just then, Vincent swings in on a vine and snags the small casket,   
disappearing over a cliff edge]  
Priest: What the #%$&^?!  
Rufus: [Looking up] Where did that vine come from..?  
  
  
[ The scene switches to Cosmo Canyon, where AVALANCHE, minus Vincent and   
Yuffie, are gathered... ]  
  
Cloud: Okay...we have several goals to achieve. We must find Hojo and   
retrieve the plans for his super secret, deadly Shinra weapon. We must also   
get Sephiroth's lucky socks from previously mentioned Mad Scientist, in order   
to deprive previously mentioned Mad Mans true power. Finally, we must get our   
materia back from Yuffie, who has bamboozled us again. Now--  
Cid: GODDAMMIT!! Bamboozled?! What the hell IS your problem?! Just   
shut up already!! What's out FIRST order of business?  
Barret: We got's to get our Materia back first, foo'.  
Red XIII: Yes. That is the most logical choice.  
Cloud: Fine! You're all so mean to me...  
Cid: Oh for the love of the Planet! Why don't you just go CRY me a   
river then?!  
Cloud: *Snort* Wee-wee-wee...Hurk...HURK...*SNIFFLE* [Runs off into his   
room, loud sobbing clearly audible from behind the door]  
Tifa: Poor baby...  
Cid: That's JUST what the little asshair is, too. Now, where is   
Yuffie? She wasn't in Wutai, we searched all over after she took it from us   
there.  
Red XIII: She's not here either. But I have an idea of where she may be.  
Barret: Yo' where be 'dat, foo'?  
Red XIII: Why, the annual Materia Festival in Junon, of course.  
Barret: Hey! 'Dat's right! 'Dey have it dere cuzza all da' stores n' shit!  
Red XIII: So, let's get over there before she sells all our Materia.  
Cid: Hell, looky there. Even this foppish dog says it manlier than   
that pansy-ass Cloud.  
Cloud: [Suddenly another outburst of sobbing can be heard from within   
his room]  
Cait Sith: Say, where's that gothic feller? Vincent? I just noticed he   
wasn't 'round.  
Barret: We ain't got time fo' his ass now! To Junon!!!!  
  
[ AVALANCHE leaves Cosmo Canyon, followed shortly by Cloud, who had   
recomposed himself after several minutes... Meanwhile in Midgar, Floor 70 of   
the Shinra Building.... ]  
  
Rufus: I want that Mako Bear back!  
Reeve: What's the relevence of a...uh..'dead' stuffed Mako Bear?  
Rufus: That's just it! He wasn't really dead! It was all a ruse! He took   
the same evil sneaky potion Romeo took in "Loveless"!  
Reeve: That wasn't "Loveless", it was...  
Rufus: Spare me the details! In any case, that foolish bear is going to   
leak the secret information to those little AVALANCHE people!  
Reeve: How can you be sure of that?  
Rufus: The stupid Santa Clause impersonator from AVALANCHE took him!  
Reeve: ...He doesn't look anything like San--  
Rufus: Oh, be quiet! You nitpick too much. I'll just call the Turks on   
this.  
Heidegger: GYA HA!! Yes sir!! [Spritzes some antiseptic in his mouth and   
blows on a harmonica] Mi, mi, mi, miiiiii...! Ahem..... TURKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
!!  
The Turks: [All rush in, stumbling over each other, before forming into a   
line]  
Tseng: Reporting for duty.  
Rufus: Right. I want you all to find Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako   
Bear.  
Reno: Oh!! He was my BESTEST friend when I was a little tyrant!!  
Rufus: You will never, EVER say that in my presence again. He was MY   
bestest friend. Now go. Go and find that Mako Bear!  
The Turks: Yes, sir!! [They all salute and run off into obscurity]  
Reeve: This is ridiculous...  
Rufus: That does it. Heidegger, take this heathen to the dungeon.  
Heidegger: We don't have a dungeon, sir!  
Rufus: What? Well, build one and put him there.  
Heidegger: Sir! There are complex tunnels and gas pipes beneath this   
building. Carving out a dungeon is nearly impossible!!  
Rufus: The keyword is 'nearly'. Now go DO it!  
Heidegger: YES...sir. [He turns and wobbles away]  
Reeve: Uh....in the meantime, I'll just be over here...escaping...  
Rufus: Good, you do that. I have more important things to do--Wait a   
second, you can't...  
  
[ It was too late. Reeve was halfway out of the building by the time Rufus   
caught on. Meanwhile, AVALANCHE have arrived at Junon.... ]  
  
Cloud: We need to split up to find her! I'll take this road, you take   
that road, and you two take that road, while you take that road... [Cloud had   
failed to point in any specific direction, or indicate who should take what   
unindicated road]  
Cid: Why do we keep letting this %&*#($ing nuthouse lead us?!  
Tifa: It helps his self-esteem, Cid.  
Cid: Well, it's crippling our operation!  
Barret: Da' mans got a point. Da' spikey headed boy is a weirdo.  
Cloud: ..HELLO?! I'm standing right HERE!!!  
Red XIII: I'll just go this way...  
Cait Sith: Yeah, and I'll be over thissa way.  
Tifa: I think I'll go in this direction.  
Cid: Well, hell, I'm headin' over to the bar district. Later.  
Barret: I'll take da' gun shop district, dey sell Materia dere sometimes!  
Cloud: [Looks around, as he's been left standing there all alone] Yeah!!   
That's exactly what I said!! You people make me SICK!!!  
Sephiroth: [Suddenly appears in front of Cloud] Aw, I though only I had that   
effect on you.  
Cloud: No, you just cause me to fall into a deeply retarded state. Oh,   
wait..HUNGYUYE!!! HOOOWWEE!!! HAARGOOOHOOO!!! [Falls flat on his face]  
Sephiroth: Oh, just stand up a moment, would you?  
Cloud: [Hops to his feet] Okay.  
Sephiroth: Do you still happen to have that HP-MP Materia equipped?  
Cloud: Oh! I forgot to unequip it. Lemme just...--  
Sephiroth: Thank you! [He beat Cloud with a rubber hose several times, until   
he died] Very good. Now, onward and upward! [Poof]  
  
[ Meanwhile at The Junon Materia Shop.... ]  
  
Yuffie: So, like, I risked my life to get all this Materia. I want 50,000   
Gil, Five of those special MASTER materia's and five cases of Bazooka Joe   
Bubble Gum.  
ShopKeeper: You some kinda loon. Get the hell outta my shop!  
Yuffie: OH MY GAWD!! You SO did not just tell me to get out!  
Red XIII: Aha! There you are! Yuffie!  
Yuffie: Nyeeeeehhhh!!!! I gotta go!!  
Red XIII: NO!! [Lunges at Yuffie, mouth wide open, teeth glistening in the   
light]  
Yuffie: NOOOOOOOOOOO--...!!!!  
  
[ Back on the Junon Airport Path... ]  
  
[ All but Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie are gathered around Clouds dead   
body.. ]  
  
Cid: DAMMIT!! He kept that friggen HP-MP Materia equipped!! Damn   
fool!!!  
Barret: Well, we needs a phoenix down. Any of you foo's got one?  
All: No. Not me. Nada.  
Barret: Damn. Red XIII had all our Phoenix Downs. Where is da red sucka'?!  
Red XIII: [Hobbles into the area, his stomach unusually large] Here..   
*burp* I am..  
Cid: What the HELL?! You been eatin' without us?! You better have   
brought me some tea at least!  
Red XIII: Not...really.. *BURP* ..I accidentally ate...Yuffie...  
Cait Sith: Ewwww...a dog a girl engaging in that kind of activity...  
Red XIII: NO!! Not like that!! I mean I actually, literally ATE her! *Burp*  
Barret: Damn! Was 'dat really necessary?!  
Cid: Talk about some mad-ass indigestion.  
Red XIII: Well, we have Yuffie and the Materia anyway...but it'll take a   
few hours to get them both back, I'm afraid....  
Cid: Oh for the love of...that's it, I'm headin' back to the Shinra   
Building. We gotta find Hojo now while we wait for the dog to take a crap.  
Red XIII: Please...leave me my dignity...  
Barret: Yeah! Back to Midgar!! Oh yeah, Red XIII, give Cloud a phoenix   
down before we go.  
Cid: And someone take that goddamn HP-MP Materia away from him too!!  
  
[ Back at the Shinra Building.... ]  
  
Rufus: Heidegger? Is my dungeon ready yet?  
Heidegger: Sir...they're working on it now, but I must warn you, there are   
gas lines down there and--  
Rufus: Is that all you can do? Laugh like a jackass in heat and talk of   
gas lines? I want results!  
Heidegger: Gya, sir...  
Reno: [ Runs into the office ] Sir! Our search for the Mako Bear has   
been unsuccessful so far!  
Rufus: Blast. They must have him hidden somewhere. I want AVALANCHE   
arrested and brought here immediately!  
Reno: Yes sir! [Reno runs off down the stairs]  
Rufus: Now, where were--  
[ Suddenly all the Turks rush in followed by AVALANCHE minus Vincent ]  
Cloud: Da-da-da-daaaaa! AVALANCHE!  
Cid: Oh man!! [A swift kick to Clouds ass]  
Reno: Uh..we got them!  
Elena: What are you talking about, Reno? They were alread yon their way   
up--  
Reno: SHHHH!!!! Ahem. We work fast, sir!  
Rufus: Yes, very good work. Now, give me my Mako Bear you heartless   
hooliganistic heathens!  
Barret: Whut da' #%$&^ you talkin' 'bout, sucka'?!  
Cid: Yeah! We ain't seen no damn Mako Bear! We just wanna know where   
that nutjob, Hojo, is at!! Spill it, dimple cheeks!  
Rufus: I don't have dimples. I find them ugly anyway. My face is smooth   
and perfect. Now, back to the subject at hand...  
Heidegger: GYA?!?!?!?!?!  
Rufus: HOW DARE you interrupt ME with that--  
Heidegger: SIR!! The workers have penetrated a gas line!!  
Rufus: Well...tell them to shut off the main feed for the gas lines in   
sector 0 and keep all flames out of the area.  
Cid: You guys are nuttier than an elephant's turd. [Tosses the butt of   
his cigarette out the balcony door]  
Heidegger: GYA!!! YOU FOOL!!! WHEN THAT THING REACHES THE GROUND, WE'LL BE   
BLOWN SKY HIGH!!!!  
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!??!  
Reno: I GOT IT COVERED!!! [He takes off down the stairs]  
Tseng: We may die any moment now. Elena, I need t otell you something.....  
Elena: Y-yes?! Tell me! Tell me!!!  
Tseng: Elena...I....I.....I love Rude!!!  
Elena: [Jaw drops]  
Rude: [Blushes and grins]  
Tseng: Hahaha! Just kidding!  
Elena: ....Oh..whew...YOU jerk!!  
Tseng: Hehehe..  
Rude: [Frowns and furrows his brow as a tear rolls down his cheek]  
Cait Sith: [Hops off his mog and into Rufus hair]  
Rufus: Somone get this broodling off of my head...  
Cait Sith: [Hops off Rufus' head, leaving a pile of poop in his hair]  
Rufus: ARGH!! Someone kill him for defecating in my hair!!! [Runs a comb   
through it, not helping much]  
Reeve: That did the trick, sir.  
Rufus: Shut up! You're under arrest anyway!  
Red XII: Uh-oh..I think I need to go to the litter box too....  
Cid: Hold that thought!! I think I've killed us all!!  
  
[ Meanwhile, at the base of the Shinra Building, in a big crater where a   
dungeon was supposed to be eventually... ]  
  
Worker #1: Man. That was close. We almost blew up the whole thing.  
Worker #2: Yeah man, what a blast! HAR HAR HAR!!  
Worker #1: ...Imbecile.  
Reno: [Bursts forth from the lobby doors] *WheezeWheeze* I made it!!!  
Worker #1: What the hell?  
Reno: [Looks up, spotting the butt falling closer to the ground] AHA!!   
I got it! I got it!!  
Worker #2: Got what? You hurtin' for one that bad I can give you a smoke no   
problem, pal.  
Reno: [Leaps up and catches the cigarette butt, spitting all over it]   
Whew! I did it! Hahahaha!!  
Worker #1: Ooooohokay. Whatever you say, man.  
Reno: This calls for a smoke. [Without even thinking, he placed a   
cigarette between his lips, and flicked his lighter...]  
  
*****KABLAAAAMMMMMOOOOOOO!!!******  
  
[ Meanwhile, in Lucrecia's Cave... ]  
  
Vincent: I've returned, Lucrecia....  
Lucrecia: Stay back!!!  
Vincent: I'm not even near you...  
Lucrecia: Good, let's keep it that way.  
Vincent: But, Lucrecia...I've brought someone special...  
Lucrecia: Who? That stupid spikey-headed guy?!  
Vincent: No. [Holds up a familiar looking Stuffed Mako Bear]  
Lucrecia: *GASP* Pooky-Wookums!!!  
Vincent: [He smiled, slowly handing her Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako   
Bear]  
  
[ In the distance, in the general direction of Midgar, a large mushroom cloud   
rose over the city as a cry rang out.... ]  
  
"HEIDEGGER!! LAY OFF THE CORN!!!"  
  
"GYA HA!!! SHADDAP!!! IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEEEEEE.......!!!"  
  
Narrater: HOLY COW!! Will Yuffie still be in tact after she is released   
from Red XIII's large intestine?! Will Reeve be locked up?! More importantly,   
will he and the rest of AVALANCHE and Shinra Survive the explosion?! And what   
exactly are Vincent and Lucrecia up to with that damn Mako Bear?! Find out   
next time in the next episode of.....  
  
"What the #%$&^?!"  
  
To be continued.....  
  
All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 


	3. Rufus' Pocket Rocket

"What the #%$&^!?"   
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Part III  
  
  
  
  
[ The scene opens on the 70th floor of the Shinra Building, which is   
amazingly still standing after Reno almost blew it up last time... ]  
  
Rufus: I think we're all alive...or am I dead? Is it a potato or a   
pograto?  
Reeve: Well, sir, it seems we are alive, but most of Sectors 4, 5, and 0   
are up in smoke. I'm not sure exactly why this building is still standing.  
Rufus: Because this is the Shinra Building. It musn't collapse under any   
circumstances. It may only be charred, shattered, and ripped apart, but   
collapse is not an option.  
Reeve: If you say so...  
Rufus: Aren't you supposed to be...in the dungeon?  
Heidegger: Gya! The project has been put on hold since all our workers were   
blown to Kingdom Come!  
Rufus: Lazy, insubordinates. Did I tell them to die a horrible, firey   
death?! You people are worthless.  
Cid: Damn, let's get on with it! Where's Hojo?!  
Palmer: Hey-hey!! Hojo is living in my ass!!  
Cid: What the #%$&^?!  
Barret: Dis foo' always did have problems...  
Palmer: You don't beleive me?! HUUUUUURGH!!! *Brraaaappp!*  
Cloud: Ugh!! Light a match!!  
Rufus: Okay. I shall. [Lights a match. The room explodes.]  
  
[ Meanwhile in Lucrecia's cave... ]  
  
Lucrecia: [Sitting on a rock, hugging Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako Bear]  
Vincent: I am so glad you are happy. But I must go help my friends find   
that...rapscallion, Hojo.  
Lucrecia: [Just continues hugging Pooky-Wookums]  
Vincent: ...All right. I'll return later! [And he went away to join   
AVALANCHE]  
Lucrecia: My...Pooky...Wookums....  
  
[ Back at Shinra, Floor 70.... ]  
  
Rufus: That was not necessary....  
Cloud: How did we survive the explosion? Moreso...why are we not even   
charred?  
Barret: Don't question the physics of a good story, foo'. Now, where's--  
Vincent: [Bursts in] I'm back.  
Cid: Where did you go, you friggen' vampiric crumpet?  
Vincent: I..went to try and find...Hojo?  
Cid: Oh, okay. Well, looks like you failed. We're still tryin' to get   
Rufus to tell us something.  
Rufus: Didn't I already tell you that Hojo was in Costa Del Sol?  
Reeve: Well, you did, sir, but since you don't want them to find him and   
stop him from making our new weapon, you had me make up a lie, which you have   
ultimately given away now.  
Rufus: Oh I see.  
Cloud: TO COSTA DEL SOL, MY PALS!!  
Cid: Goddammit!! You pussnut!!!  
Palmer: That man has some pretty nice 'Get-Away Sticks'.  
Rufus: 'Get-Away Sticks'?  
Palmer: Yeah...y'know. Legs?  
Rufus: Oh? What man?  
Palmer: Why, Mister Rogers of course. [Points to Cloud]  
Cloud: My name is Cloud.  
Cid: Well, whoopty-shit. He knows his name. How 'bout that?  
Cloud: No..Palmer called me..oh..nevermind.  
Rufus: You know, I was thinking of Scarlet when I said Hojo was in Costa   
Del Sol. He's really off playing Hollywood Squares. He's the upper left   
Square.  
Cloud: Is that so? Then off to the set of Hollywood Squares, the Yings   
to my Yangs!!  
Cid: What the #%$&^?!  
  
[ On the set of Hollywood Squares... ]  
  
Butch: Uh..I'll take Hojo to block?  
Host: Okay. Hojo, here's the question. "What is the symbol for the   
element Hydrogen"?  
Hojo: It is...wait...hehehe....It's Y!! *Snort*  
Vincent: [Sitting in the audience] He lied! The twisted bastard is going   
to cause that innocent civillian to lose... All I can do is sit back and   
watch.... Am I about to commit yet another sin?  
Butch: Uh....I AGREE!!!  
Host: Awww, too bad. You lose. Mukki wins!!!!  
Mukki: Hey, bubby!! [Dances like a fag]  
Vincent: Oh no.... More nightmares will come to me--  
Cid: Aw, Goddammit. Let's go up there and storm the place!! MOVE!!  
Cloud: WAIT!! That's not Hojo!!  
Cid: It ain't? Then who the hell is it?  
Cloud: It's Hojo's twin brother, Ralph!!  
Barret: Hojo be havin' a twin named Ralph?!  
Cloud: Yeah! That means Shinra lied to us again!  
Cid: Shit....this means we have to go back...  
Cloud: ..to the FUTURE!!  
Cid: What?!  
Cloud: Oh, no wait. Back to the Shinra Building. Right. Sorry.  
Barret: Foo' watches too much TV.  
  
[ Back at the Shinra Building, Floor 70... ]  
  
Sephiroth: I want to know where Hojo is! Tell me now, or I light this rocket   
which will blow us all sky high!  
Rufus: Aren't you supposed to use a knife or something?  
Sephiroth: It's a sword...it has a name. Masa--  
Rufus: Blah, blah, blah. Listen, just hand me the rocket.  
Sephiroth: Oh, sure. [Hands Rufus the Rocket]  
Rufus: Thank you. [Stuffs the rocket in his pocket]  
Sephiroth: You're wel--HEY!! Gimmie that back!!  
Rufus: Sorry, what do you need again?  
Sephiroth: Grrrr....  
Reeve: Sire, the new couch is here.  
Rufus: Why did you just call me 'Sire'?  
Reeve: Oh, typo.  
Rufus: Typo..? What the....Hey wait, what couch?  
Mover #1: Dis couch, bub. Where you want it?  
Mover #2: Just set it over there.. We ain't gotta ask 'em nothin'.  
Rufus: I don't recall ordering a couch. Especially not one with green   
and pink polk-dots. What is this?!  
Palmer: Oopsie. It looks like Mister Rogers bought the couch as a gift   
for you.  
Rufus: Palmer, please go away before I shoot you in the rotund rumpy.  
Palmer: Mister Rogers will teach you a lesson now.  
Cloud: [ Busts in with the rest of AVALANCHE] AHA!  
Palmer: See! There's Mister Rogers now!!!  
Cloud: ...My name is Cloud.  
Cid: Enough with this preschool "I know my name", shit! Where's the   
REAL Hojo?!  
Rufus: There's a fake Hojo?  
Cid: Goddammit!! Just tell us 'fore we kick yer dainty ass!  
Rufus: My round, firm, hot little buttocks is none of your concern now.   
You will all leave right this instant.  
Barret: How you gonna make us, Honky?!  
Rufus: Well, you see, I have a rocket in my pocket...  
Barret: Foo'!! Ain't no man eva' came onto me before! 'Specially no white   
boy!  
Rufus: That wasn't a come on. [Reaches into his pocket and fiddles with   
the rocket which is snagged on a thread]  
Tifa: Oh..wow.........Rufus...  
Cloud: NOW WAIT JUST A SECOND!!!  
Sephiroth: That is *MY* rocket, you know...  
Yuffie: [From inside Red XIII's stomach] Ewww...Rufus and Sephiroth...?  
Sephiroth: I didn't mean it like that....  
Vincent: This surely is a sin...but it's not my fault this time...but   
wait..Sephiroth is the son of Lucrecia..and I love Lucrecia...so ultimately,   
it is my fault....oh the horror...  
Rufus: Oh come on...what has this degraded into? [Pulls the rocket out]   
See?!  
Cid: Man...I've had all the Homo-Talk I can stand for today. Now tell   
us where friggen Hojo is, you peice of happy red-headed shit!! [Smacks the   
rocket out of his hand]  
Rufus: I don't have to take this. And by no means am I happy now. Reno!   
Rude!  
Reno & Rude: [Bust in] SIR!!!!  
Rufus: Take these rapscallions away!  
Cid: Rapscallion?! Is everyone around me a goddamn fruit or what?!  
Vincent: That's my word. I used it earlier. He ripped me off.  
Reno: Okay, ladies, time to go...  
Barret: Yo! Didn't you get blown up?!  
Reno: Hey, I jumped off the pillar of sector 7 and lived, why not this   
too?  
Cloud: He's got a point.  
Barret: Shut yo' spikey white head.  
Rude: .....Reno. Can I have a peanut?  
Reno: Peanut? Sure.  
Rufus: This is ridiculous, take them--  
[ But it was too late, AVALANCHE had already ran off ]  
Reno: Oops.... You just had to have a peanut?! [Smacks Rude upside his   
bald head]  
Rude: *Sniffle*  
Palmer: Mister Rogers left!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!  
Rufus: Well, now you have to go find them. Do it!!  
Reno & Rude: Yes SIR!! [They run off in persuit of AVALANCHE]  
Sephiroth: This is getting me nowhere. I'll just begin an around the Planet   
search. When I get my precious lucky socks back from Hojo, you'll be my first   
victim! MWA HAHAHAHA!! AHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!! [Poof]  
Rufus: ..Did someone just say something? Oh well.  
  
[ On the beach of Costa Del Sol... ]  
  
Hojo: HEHEHEHEHEHEHE--*Cough* Well, the weapon is almost complete..  
Ralph: Pssst....Hojo....  
Hojo: *GAZP* It's my abnormally never before seen or mentioned twin   
brother Ralph, who for God knows what reason, is named...Ralph!  
Ralph: Yes, Hojo... Guess who I seen on the set of Hollywood Squares   
today!  
Hojo: That's 'saw', not seen. Whoopie Goldberg?!  
Ralph: Well..yeah...but besides that!  
Hojo: Uh...Gilbert Gottfried?  
Ralph: ...Yeah...argh! AVALANCHE!!  
Hojo: WHERE?! OH MY GOD!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! SAVE ME!! TELL MOTHER   
THAT I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUT A SKIDMARK IN HER UNDIES!! [Shrieks like a little   
girl]  
Ralph: No! No!! I mean the terrorist group, AVALANCHE...What about moms   
undies?  
Hojo: Uh...nothing. Well, it seems AVALANCHE is after me...I must take   
the proper precautions....hehehehehehehehehehehe....*Snort*  
Ralph: Yes...and I'll help too...hehehehehehehehehehe...*Snert*  
Ralph & Hojo: Hehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehe....*SNORT* *SNERT*  
  
Narrator: HEAVEN HELP US!!! Hojo and Ralph, working together?! Two evil   
genius minds converge to create..what kind of chaos?! And will Reno and Rude   
catch up to AVALANCHE?! How long will it take Sephiroth to reach Costa Del   
Sol, and will he make it before AVALANCHE?! What of Lucrecia and   
Pooky-Wookums?! Will Yuffie ever get a one way ticket out of Red XIII?! Find   
out next time in the next installment of....  
  
"What the #%$&^?!"  
  
To be continued.....  
  
All characters copyright Squaresoft® 1998 [except Ralph]  



	4. Hojo's Close Call

"What the #%$&^!?"   
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Part IV  
  
  
  
  
[ The scene opens in Tifa's house in Nibelheim, where all of AVALANCHE is   
gathered.... ]  
  
Cid: Okay, we need to find out where in the World is Hojo.  
Rockapella: [ Sings ] Where in the World is.. UGH! Hojo!  
Cid: What the #%$&^!?  
Cloud: Look at me! I'm a fairy!! [ Skips around with a pair of Tifa's   
panties on his head ]  
Cid: Hey, you said it, not me.  
Tifa: Cloud!!! Gimmie those!!  
Barret: Hey now, foo's! We gotta find Hojo 'fore Shinra or Sephiroth   
does, ya' hear?  
Vincent: Yes. We must. Otherwise the world is doomed..I could never live   
with myself if that happened.  
Cid: God forbid you have any more reason to blame yerself for shit.   
Get over it man!  
Vincent: You insensitive old goat!  
Cid: Yeah?! Well, lemme tell you where I'm about to shove my   
horns....?!  
Barret: Stop dat already!!  
RedXIII: Barret is right. We have a job to do! If Sephiroth ever finds   
his lucky socks, we'll all be doomed yet again!  
Tifa: Yeah! Plus Hojo still has the plans for that new Shinra weapon!   
We have so much to do!  
Barret: 'Zactly. Now, 'dis what we gonna do. Cloud, me, an' Cid is gonna   
go to Costa Del Sol. I have suspicion 'dat Hojo be dere. Meanwhile, Vincent   
and Cait Sith'll go to the Shinra Buildin' an' try to be gettin' s'more   
info'mation outta dem Shinra boys.  
RedXIII: What about me? I want to help.  
Barret: You go to Cosmo Canyon and try to pass Yuffie through yo'   
intestine.  
RedXIII: Oh...I forgot about her.....  
Cid: Well, what're we waitin' for?! Let's get our asses in gear!  
Vincent: Why am I stuck with the stupid toy....?  
Cait Sith: Weee! Road trip! [DanceDance]  
Vincent: Oh....brother....  
  
[ Meanwhile, in Costa Del Sol.... ]  
  
Hojo: All right... Now you hook this tube to that tube...  
Ralph: Which one?  
Hojo: Uh..that black one to this black one.  
Ralph: Why the hell are all these tubes the same color?! Never heard of   
color coding?!  
Hojo: You fool! If I were to COLOR CODE this, people could easily   
figure out how to DISARM it!!  
Ralph: Well...I guess you have a point... But how am I supposed to put   
it together?!  
Hojo: Just let me hande the connections. You go tighten the bolts...  
Voice: [ From behind the door ] Hey?! Anyone home?! Yooohooooo??!!  
Hojo: What the...?! Go answer the door, Ralph! Make sure whoever it   
is...goes away!  
Ralph: Yeah yeah... [ Steps up to the first floor of the small apartment   
and opens the door ]  
Sephiroth: Hello, I was wondering if you-- Hojo!!!!  
Ralph: What?! I'm not Hojo!! Honest! My name is Ralph, and I'm Hojo's   
twin brother!  
Sephiroth: Yeah right! I'm not falling for that!!   
Ralph: Ahhhh!!! Get away!! [ Runs off down the street ]  
Sephiroth: Hey!! Come back here!!! [ Chases Ralph ]  
Hojo: Whew... That was close. Having a twin comes in handy...  
Cid: HEY?! [ Walks in through the front door ] Aha!! Hojo! Finally!  
Cloud: Oh buddy!! I'm so excited! And I just CAN'T hide it!!!  
Cid: Please..don't say that....  
Barret: Hojo?! Hey! It is him!!  
Hojo: Uh..?! No!! I'm RALPH, remember?!  
Cid: Oh yeah. I remember you. Wait, how do we know you're Ralph and   
not Hojo pretending to be Ralph?!  
Hojo: Um... Because.. LOOK!! [ Rips his underpants off and shows them   
the tag ] See?! Why would *I* be wearing UNDERPANTS with the name RALPH on   
them if I were Hojo?!?!?!?!  
Cid: Ew! Gross!! Ralph's skidmarked Tighty-Whities!! Real men wear   
BOXERS!  
Hojo: HEY!!?? Um..well, anyway. You just missed Hojo. He ran off down   
the road with Sephiroth on his heels....  
Barret: Awright! Looks like we gotta chase goin' on!  
Cloud: Right! Let's run like women!!!!  
Cid: You're askin' for a beatin' now, smart-ass.  
[ The three AVALANCHE members run off down the street after Sephiroth and   
Ralph ]  
Hojo: Mwa ha ha ha ha!! Now I can complete my project! [ Walks back to   
the small room, wearing a pair of black socks with the letter "S" embroidered   
on them ]  
  
[ At the Shinra Building, Floor 70..... ]  
  
Rufus: [ Pointing to a random continent on a large map of the Planet ]   
Okay! Now, this is one of many probable locations of Pooky-Wookums, the   
Stuffed Mako Bear...  
Tseng: This really isn't necessary, Sir. Reno and Rude are on the job.  
Rufus: I know that! But I MUST have that Bear back! I can take no   
chances in this matter at all!  
Reeve: Sir, he really means that this isn't necessary. I implanted a   
tracking device in the bears ear...  
Rufus: WHAT??!!?! YOU PERFORMED DELICATE SURGICAL IMPLANTS ON MY MAKO   
BEAR WITHOUT PERMISSION!?!?!??!?!?! YOU MAY HAVE INJURED HIM FOR LIFE!!!!  
Reeve: Sir... It's just a stuffed Bear...  
Rufus: NOOOOOO!!!! [ Beats Reeve with his pointer stick ]  
Tseng: Uh... Could we get a glass of water for the President? We need to   
calm him down, I think.  
Heidegger: But this is so enjoyable! GYA HA HA HA!!!!  
Tseng: I wonder why I work here, sometimes...  
Reeve: Sir?! Please?! Uh..we have company!!  
Rufus: What?!?! Oh...you again....  
[ Vincent and Cait Sith walk toward Rufus ]  
Tseng: We really need to beef up security around here...  
Vincent: We want a little information, if you will...  
Reeve: You moron. You have..someone right there with you. You could have   
just asked him... Ahem.  
Cait Sith: Yeah, dummy.  
Vincent: Oh, man... I wasted a trip.  
Rufus: Gee, I seem to be missing something in the grand scheme of things.  
Reeve: So what's new?  
Rufus: ...We will finish that dungeon one day.  
Heidegger: We will? I mean, yes, of course.  
Vincent: Okay, well... I'll just be on my way now....  
Rufus: I want that Bear back!! GO!! ALL OF YOU!! SEEK HIM OUT!  
Vincent: ...Oh no! They're after Lucrecia's Bear! I must go to her!  
Cait Sith: What? ....?!  
[ Vincent was already gone! ]  
  
[ At Lucrecias Cave... ]  
  
Lucrecia: What's that? You want me to... Put them all out of their misery?  
Pooky: ................  
Lucrecia: I see... I will do as you say...Pooky-Wookums.... I am at your   
command. To the end of everything! My sworn duty is at last revealed! Hee hee   
hee...HEE HAA HA HA HA HA!!!!  
Pooky: ................  
Lucrecia: Those pathetic beings will soon bow before you, my Lord! I shall   
see to it! For I am Lucrecia! Lady of Doom!!!! AHH HAH HA HA HAH AH HA HA   
HAHAHAA!!!!  
Pooky: ................  
  
[ Back on the streets of Costa Del Sol... ]  
  
Sephiroth: Ugh.. Man.. I never knew a person could fall into so many   
manholes... I smell like poopy now...  
Cid: Woah?! Look! Sephiroth!? And he stinks like Cloud's dirty   
drawers...  
Cloud: Hey!! I use the cleaning power of TIDE!!  
Cid: Well, you should use it a little more often, and in stronger   
doses...  
Cloud: ...You're so cruel....  
Barret: So where's Hojo? If Sephiroth be here, then Hojo mus' be nearby   
as well.  
Sephiroth: Huh? What are you guys doing here?  
Cloud: We're here to find Hojo and put an end to your evil!  
Sephiroth: Hah hah hah hah! You fool! You have no idea who the true evil one   
is!  
Cid: What the hell're you talking about?!  
Sephiroth: There's a new evil on this Planet... One even stronger than I.   
I've sensed it for quite some time, but have been unable to pinpoint it until   
recently, but then, my lucky socks were stolen! I lost my lock on the evil,   
but I know that it has already consumed one of your own! And there is   
definately a tie in it that branches back to Shinra! Mwa ha ha! But you fools   
wouldn't know that!  
Cid: Well, now we do.  
Sephiroth: HAHAHA-- OH..damn! Dammit!  
Cloud: So now our objectives are clear! We must find out Shinra's tie in   
all this, which is probably through Hojo, then we must find out who of our   
own is wrapped up in this evil!  
Cid: You actually got smart for once. But don't ferget, we also gotta   
find out the evil mastermind behind it all.  
Barret: Well, our quest begins! Back to the Shinra Buildin'!!!  
Cloud: Let's mosey!!!  
Cid: MOTHER *#&$)#(!!!!  
Cloud: AHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
[ Back at Hojo's place.... ]  
  
Hojo: Mwa ha ha ha!! It's nearly complete! And now that I have those   
other fools out chasing Ralph, I have all the time I need to get it charged   
up!! Yes!! The new POTATO CHIP CRUMBLER will aid in my domination of...SNACK   
FOODS ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!!!!  
  
[ In Lucrecia's cave.... ]  
  
Lucrecia: You've done well so far... Hee hee... You will soon be rewarded   
when the Lord is awakened... Just make sure they don't invade this place   
until the awakening has occurred!  
Vincent: Yes, Lucrecia....  
Lucrecia: Once we acquire Professor Hojo's Potato Chip Crumbler, we will be   
able to rule the UNIVERSE!!  
Vincent: But... How do we acquire this...Machine, My Lady?  
Lucrecia: Hee hee hee haa haa haa!! The Lord will see to it that the   
machine is brought to US!! HEE HAAHH AHH AHHAAAAA!!!!  
Pooky: .....................................  
  
  
Narrator: OH LORD!!! What a developement! What on the Planet is going   
on?!?! Lucrecia and Pooky-Wookums are in kahoots?! Vincent has been pulled   
into the shuffle?!?! What of Hojo and his master invention?!? What is   
Shinra's tie in all this?! Will Sephiroth find the real Hojo in time to get   
his socks back and take control of this force? What can AVALANCHE really do?!   
Will Yuffie ever be free of RedXIII's ass?!??! We'll find out next   
time...MAYBE, in.....  
  
"What the #%$&^!?"  
  
To be continued....  
  
All characters Copyright Squaresoft® [except Ralph]  



	5. The Shinra Toilet Seminar

"What the #%$&^!?"   
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Part V  
  
  
[ The scene opens in the Shinra Building, floor 70. Rufus sits impatiently at   
his desk, watching a surveillance Monitor ]  
  
Rufus: All this waiting tires me. I haven't had a fresh tube of gel in   
my hair for at least an hour...   
Reeve: Don't worry, sir. The Turks will find Pooky-Wookums. The tracking   
device will lead them straight to him.   
Rufus: Yes, yes. But it's taking far too long. We may be too late! And   
besides, I really could use a potty break as well.   
Reeve: Can we not share this?Rufus: Why? Do you not go potty?   
Reeve: Yes, sir.. But I don't wish to talk abou--   
Rufus: So, you think you're too good to have potty time?   
Reeve: Uh..sir, please...   
Rufus: No. No. Out with it. You're scared of toilets, aren't you?   
Reeve: What!? Of course not! I just don't like to talk abou--   
Rufus: I see. Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I can help   
you get over this phobia!  
Reeve: Sir, listen to me... I don't--   
  
[ AVALANCHE, minus RedXIII and Yuffie, suddenly bursts in, as always ]  
  
Rufus: Can you people simply just walk into my office for once?   
Reeve: Whew...  
Barret: Lissen here! We gots to talk to--   
Rufus: No! I will not have this anymore. You go out and come back in   
like civilized people. Then we'll talk.   
Cloud: Well, okay! [ Runs back down to the 69th floor ]   
Cid: What the #%$&^?! That ain't how we do things, Cloud! Cloud!? Aw,   
dammit!  
Barret: May as well play along now... [ Slinks back down the stairs,   
followed by the rest of AVALANCHE ]  
Reeve: This is just awkward...   
Rufus: You just keep quiet until we get to your potty training.   
Reeve: Potty Trai--!!!  
Rufus: Shh!  
  
[ Meanwhile in Cosmo Canyon... ]  
  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hoooo! Nanaki!? Are you okay in there!?   
Red XIII: UUUUUUUNNNNGHHHHH!!!!! OH GOLLY, IT HURTS!!!!   
Bugenhagen: Eeeewww... I think Nanaki had some bad Wutaian Food...   
Red XIII: You...better...beleive it...!!! URGH!!!   
Yuffie: OH GRRR~OSS!!! Get me OUT of here!! Geeeez!! I need a SHOWER!!   
Bugenhagen: I'll not even ask....   
Red XIII: Yeah! I got the Materia back! [ Bursts forth from the bathroom, a   
large bag of Materia in his teeth ] I must go help my friends! See you soon,   
Grandfather!  
Bugenhagen: I shall..uh...look forward to that..   
Yuffie: [ Staggers out of the bathroom ] What a trip...! Hey, got any   
Materia, old man?  
  
[ Back at the Shinra Building, floor 70... ]  
  
Barret: Okay, sucka! We ain't leavin' and comin' back anymore!! Now talk!   
Rufus: Oh, very well. I have more important things to do. What do you want?   
Cid: What's up with Hojo and his Weapon!? What is it!? Why're we after   
it!?  
Rufus: I don't know.  
Cloud: You don't?   
Rufus: Of course I do. I'm the President.  
Cloud: Wait..uh..what?   
Barret: He's jus' tryin' to get around answerin' us!   
Cid: Yeah!? Well, maybe he'll talk if we..uh..KILL this guy!! [ Grabs   
Reeve by the hair ]  
Reeve: Hey!? Dummy!!!   
Cait Sith: Knock it off!! Remember!!??  
Cloud: Yeah! We'll kill this guy!!   
Reeve: Wait a minute!!! Stop!!   
Cid: Psst..Cloud...no...it's Reeve..remember? I just made a mistake...   
Cloud: [ As if he hadn't heard ] ..So you better tell us what we want to   
know!!  
Reeve: GUYS!!! Knock it off!!!  
Rufus: Kill him for all I care.   
Reeve: What!?! What is this!?!?   
Cloud: Oh!? Think we won't do it, eh!? [ Bends over and rips Reeve's   
shoe off ]  
Barret: Cloud, man...stop. Foo', it's Reeve...   
Cloud: Now talk! Or I'll cut his big TOE off!!   
Reeve: Wait!! Wait!! Aha! Please!?! Waaahahaaa!!   
Rufus: Really, I'm not just saying it. I don't care.   
Cloud: Playing hard to get, huh!?  
Cid: Hard to get!? FAG!!!   
Cloud: Shut up, Cid!! I'm being tough!!   
Cid: Looks more like a One-Man Fairy Parade.   
Rufus: You people procrastinate too much. [ Raises his shotgun and takes   
aim, blasting Reeve's big toe off ]   
Reeve: RRERRAAAAAHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHAHHHH!!! DYAAHAA!!! MY TOE!!   
Cloud: Holy CRAP!! I guess he really didn't care!   
Cid: No shit! What a Quiz Kid! Stupid *%&)#@!!   
Shinra MP's: [ Rush in and surround AVALANCHE ]  
Cloud: EEEEEEEEK! Run!!!   
Cid: What?! We can take these pussies!! CLOUD!! Dammit! Uh...   
Barret: Le's jus' get 'da hell outta here!   
  
[ AVALANCHE follows Cloud, who runs aimlessly around the Shinra Building ]  
  
Cloud: I'll hide in HERE!! [ Ducks into the shower room ]   
Cid: Now, where'd he run his pansy ass off to?!   
Cloud: [ From a distance ] EEEEEEYYYYYAAARGH!!!   
Barret: Sounds like he found Sephiroth! Les' go!!   
Cloud: [ Staggers out of the showers ] Ugh..I'm...so gonna puke....   
Cid: What? What the hell happened?! Sephiroth!?  
Cloud: Worse...   
Tifa: What's worse than Sephiroth?   
Cloud: Walking into the showers and catching Heidegger pressure washing   
Palmers ass-crack...   
Cid: Oh my mother#%$*^ing GOSH!! I'm gonna lose it this time....   
Barret: Now 'dats da' kinda shi' 'dat'll ruin a man....   
Cid: Not Cloud. He's used to that kinda stuff....  
Cloud: HEY!!   
Vincent: I hate to interrupt....Tifa: What is it?   
Vincent: ..Give me time to finish my sentence and you'll find out. Ahem,   
it seems Sephiroth is here.  
Cloud: Where!??!?   
Vincent: He just entered the fourth toilet stall on the right....   
Cloud: Let's sneak up on him!!   
Cid: Uh..you should be used to sneaking up on men in the bathroom. You   
go ahead.Cloud: Sure thing. I'll just--HEY!! CID!!!   
Barret: Jus' go, foo'!   
Cloud: [ Sneaks over to the stall area, but is immediately knocked over   
as someone exits a stall in front of him, swinging the door outward hard ]   
OW!! *Thud*   
Rufus: What was that? Oh well. Now, Reeve. Do you see why the Potty is   
our friend?   
Reeve: I'd be more willing to listen to this if you hadn't shot my toe   
off...Rufus: We'll sew it back on later. Just pay attention now. See this   
little silver lever?Reeve: I'm aware of how a toilet works, sir...   
Rufus: Are you? Are you really? Well, let's see you work it then.   
Reeve: Fine.... [ Pulls the lever ]   
Rufus: Wrong, wrong, wrong. Do it with more finesse! Pizazz! Gumption!   
Reeve: Sir, may I ask what the bloody HELL you're talking about?   
Rufus: Why no, you may not. Say, what is that horrific odor that is   
infiltrating my presidential nasal cavities?   
Reeve: It seems that stall is in use.   
Rufus: How dare someone use a stall while I am in here moderating a   
seminar on the use of toiletry.  
Reeve: [ Looks around ] Seminar?   
Rufus: We shall reconvene in the executive washroom.   
Reeve: Wonderful.... [ Reeve and Rufus exit ]   
Cloud: [ Gets up sowly ] Ugh..what hit me...?   
Sephiroth: Seems that this door hit you... [ Points to the Cloud-shaped dent   
in the door ]  
Cloud: I see...AAAAHH!! Sephiroth!?   
Sephiroth: No need to shout. Say, did you know that Hojo is on his way here?   
Cloud: Really!? Great! I'll go tell the others!   
Sephiroth: Not so fast! First, you want to do something for me, right Cloud?   
Cloud: [ Eyes go blank ] Yes, Master Sephiroth.   
Sephiroth: Excellent. You know what your task is, correct?   
Cloud: Yes, Master. I am to perform show tunes for you all evening.   
Sephiroth: Exactly. ..No, wait. What the hell? No! You are to retrieve my   
lucky socks and the Weapon from Hojo!   
Cloud: All right... [ Turns and walks off slowly ]   
Sephiroth: Excellent...soon I shall be able to take over and RULE THE WORLD!   
..THEN I'll have him perform Show tunes! Mwa ha ha!   
  
[ Meanwhile, at Kalm, Red XIII has just arrived on his last leg to Midgar   
with the gangs materia. Little does he know he has company... ]  
  
Red XIII: *HuffHuff-Wheeze* Almost...there....got Materia...just need   
water....   
Hojo: Hee hee hee...so close to achieving my goal. The President will   
be most pleased...  
Red XIII: Hwee!? Hojo! Ack! [ Ducks behind a building ]   
Hojo: Bring it on in here, Ralph! The coast is clear! Everyone's indoors!   
Ralph: [ Slowly walks into Kalm, dragging a little red wagon with the   
MACHINE in it ] Why..do I...*wheeze* ..have to do all the hard work...?   
Hojo: Oh, shaddap. We're almost there. Just take a break for a few and   
we'll head out again.   
Red XIII: I must alert the others that Hojo is almost back and his machine   
is complete! [ Runs off toward Midgar with the bag of Materia ]  
  
  
[ Meanwhile, in Lucrecia's cave... ]  
  
Lucrecia: Kee hee hee....! It's only a matter of time, M'lord!   
Pooky-Wookums: ................   
Lucrecia: What's that? You want some pudding and make-beleive tea? And you   
want to wear this pink bonnet? Very well, M'lord. Your wish is my command.   
Pooky: .....................   
Lucrecia: Do not fear, M'lord. Soon. all wil lcome together, and victory   
will be ours! Eeeee, hee hee heeeeeee!!!!!!  
Pooky: .....................   
  
[ Back at the Shinra Building, AVALANCHE lays in wait for Sephiroth to make a   
move..... ]  
  
Barret: 'Dis waitin' is killin' me! Ain't dere nothin' we can do!?   
Cid: We can go kick some Shinra SOLDIER ass?   
Tifa: No! We need to stay here and keep an eye on Sephiroth...   
Cait Sith: But, man, it stinks in here... I think something crawled up   
Sephiroth's ass and died!  
Cid: You ain't kiddin'!   
Vincent: Hush! Something's happening!  
Sephiroth: [ Lays down on the floor ]   
Tifa: What's going on?  
Vincent: Must be some sort of ritual....   
Sephiroth: Ugh...ever since I lost my socks anything cheesy I eat gives me   
horrible gas...ooooohhhhhh.....just need to lay down.....   
Vincnet: Erm..nevermind...  
Cid: How goddamn nasty....   
Rufus: Excuse me....  
Cid: What the #%$&^!?   
Rufus: Please, refrain from using such language in my Godly presence.   
Barret: More like DOGLY! HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!  
Rufus: How foolish of you.   
Tifa: What do you mean?   
Rufus: There are camera's trained on all of you now.   
Cid: So? Big deal!   
Rufus: Well, you see, you all have been standing here for hours now.   
We've caught some pretty embarassing things.  
Barret: Like what, foo'!?   
Rufus: Well, let's see.. You, large black man, have picked your nose   
subsequently and then wiped them in your beard..   
Barret: ...Uhm...foo'!! Lies!!   
Cid: Oh gross, I can see them from here...!   
Rufus: You, young lady with large bosoms, have been caught shifting   
yourself frequently, then digging at your..uh.."wedgie".   
Tifa: AAAAHH!!! No!!!  
Rufus: Yes. You, Santa Clause impersonator...   
Vincent: What? Where do you get...--   
Rufus: ..you have been caught on tape doing the macarena when no one   
else was looking.   
Vincent: God no!! I admit it! I have committed another sin!! Nightmares   
will come to me now...   
Rufus: Right. And finally, you excessively smoking old pilot. You have   
been caught adjusting yourself, peering up young lady with large bosom's   
skirt, cussing, eating things off the floor, putting your hand down your   
pants, spitting, passing gas, urinating in the corner, and wiping   
your...bottom on large white mogs back.   
Cait Sith: [ Looks down behind him at the Mogs back ] OH GROSS!! I thought I   
smelled SOMETHING!! Ugh!!   
Rufus: This is why I called you fools. Now we can air all this on Shinra   
TV and embarass all of you.  
Barret: Goddamn!! I'll rip you apart!   
Rufus: I'll pass... [ Walks away ]  
Cid: Damn...this stinks.   
Cait Sith: You'd know!!  
Tifa: HMPH!! [ Slaps Cid several times ]   
Cid: He was KIDDING!? Argh!! Dammit! Don't make me go crazy on your   
fine ass too, 'ho!!   
  
[ Meanwhile, in the Nibel Mountains, the Turks continue their search for   
Pooky-Wookums..... ]  
  
Reno: We're close, but this radar thing says he's more east.   
Elena: So the bear isn't in these mountains?   
Reno: Apparently not. He seems to be...in that large lake with the   
waterfall that we can't access without the help of a submarine!   
Rude: ....Or a special Chocobo.   
Reno: Right! Anyway, I guess we need to check it out.   
Tseng: Of course.   
Reno: Say, why the hell are we looking for a stupid goddamn stuffed   
Mako bear anyway?   
Tseng: Because, the President needs the bear, apparently. It   
has...valuable information...  
Reno: What kinda loon do we work for?!   
Rude: ....Money's good... Pays for the drinking habbit.... Just a   
stuffed bear anyway..can't be too hard to take care of.....   
Reno: Rude's right. We'll have this taken care of in no time! Now we   
need a sub!   
Tseng: We'll head to Junon then. I'll take this helicopter, while you   
all walk.  
Reno: Why do we always have to walk!?   
Tseng: Because, I'm the leader and you are not. So nanny-nanny boo-boo,   
stick your head in poo-poo! [ Runs away ]   
Elena: Maybe I don't like him as much as I thought...   
Reno: I swear, everyone's going insane....!   
Rude: ........Testify. [Peace sign]   
  
[ Somewhere between Kalm and Midgar.... ]  
  
Red XIII: *WheezeChoke* ...Only...a little farther to go..must do it for   
Seto...grandfather...Cloud and the others....and for...future sex   
opportunities...argh...my mind is becoming that of CID'S! Must...get to water   
soon...  
  
[ A few miles back behind Red XIII.... ]  
  
Ralph: Isn't it...time for you to pull this...??!   
Hojo: [ Looks at his watch ] Nooo, not yet. In a little bit.   
Ralph: Well, can you at least get off!? It's hard enough pulling this   
damn machine without YOU on top of it!!!   
Hojo: No. I must stay fresh for my meeting with the President. Just   
pull..and go faster, alright!?  
Ralph: Urgh!! Damn, I hate you!!!   
Hojo: Everyone does..now MUSH! MUSH!!! Hee hee hee!!! It's only a   
matter of time!   
  
  
Narrator: Wow! Red XIII is on his way back with the materia! Finally, the   
gang will have another chance at Sephiroth! Hojo is right on Red XIII's heel   
though! And what of Cloud!? He's still under Sephiroth's control, and after   
Hojo's socks!! Will Rufus cure Reeve of his nonexistant Toilet-phobia!? Will   
Rufus ever get a clue?! Will the Turks get to Pooky-Wookums and Lucrecia before  
Hojo's machine, and the end of humanity does first!? Is Sephiroth lactose   
intolerant!? We'll find out next time in...."What the #%$&^!?"   
  
To Be Continued .......  
  
All Characters copyright Squarsoft© 1998 [except Ralph and Pooky-Wookums!]   
  



	6. A Congragation of Idiots

"What the #%$&^!?"  
  
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
Part VI  
  
  
[ The scene opens at the base of the Shinra Building, where  
Red XIII sits, panting, a bag of materia at his side. ]  
  
Red XIII: *Wheeze* I...made it! Now..I just have to find   
the team...which is on one of 70 floors.... D'OH!  
  
[ Meanwhile, in sector 3.... ]  
  
Hojo: Hee bee bee bee bee!! We're almost there! Soon the  
world will be mine! HEE HEE HEEEE!!  
Ralph: Oh....SHUT UP! I've been doing all the work here...  
Hojo: ..You're harshin' my buzz, brother. Oh! By the way, did  
I mention that you AREN'T my brother!?  
  
[ Music cue: DUN DUN DUN! ]  
  
Ralph: W-what!?  
Hojo: Yes. You are but a clone, and I have no more use for you!  
Ralph: Man, couldn't you at least be original?  
Hojo: Yes...HERE'S your originality! [Pushes a button and Ralph  
explodes] HWA HWA HWA HWA!!  
  
[ In the bathroom of the gym in the Shinra Building.... ]  
  
Sephiroth: Hmm...I'm feeling better now...  
Barret: 'Bout damn time. I be tired of waitin' 'round here in 'dis  
bafroom...  
Cid: Bafroom?!  
Barret: Shut yo' mouth, honky!  
Tifa: Look! Sephiroth is getting up...  
Sephiroth: Well, time to continue my mission. I sense that Hojo is  
near...  
Biggs: [Exits the stall beside Sephiroth] Hey, bub. Move it or lose  
it!  
Sephiroth: ...Lose it? Very well... [Swipes at Biggs several times  
with the Masamune]  
Biggs: Hah! You missed, you big dumb.....ACK!!!  
Tifa: Oh my GOODNESS!!!  
Cid: How inhumane! That sick &%)(#@!!!  
Biggs: You shredded my 1000 Gil shirt, you big CLOD!!  
Sephiroth: Hey!? You were supposed to be cut to ribbons...drrr!! I  
have to get my socks back!! My accuracy is off by..HUNDREDS!  
Biggs: Yeah, whatEVER! Talk to the HAND girlfriend!  
Sephiroth: Uh...right... [Backs away slowly, then runs away]  
Barret: Les' follow 'im, foo's!  
  
[ On floor 70.... ]  
  
Rufus: ..and that is how my father created the toilet.  
Reeve: Sir, your father did not create the toilet...  
Rufus: He created the Mako-Powered toilet.  
Reeve: Didn't that model make people sick..because it was filled  
with MAKO!?  
Rufus: God, I hate you...  
Heidegger: Sir! I just got word that AVALANCHE and Sephiroth are  
running around the building! Gya!  
Rufus: Well, dispatch the Turks to handle it.  
Heidegger: SIR! The Turks are in the field looking for Pooky-  
Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear!  
Rufus: Curses! Well, take some SOLDIERS and handle it yourself.  
Heidegger: Gya! Yes, sir! [Salutes..and departs]  
Reeve: Maybe we should go to a more secure location.  
Rufus: You're right. Pull the chopper around. We're going to Junon.  
Tseng: [Hobbles in, looking all beat up] Urgh...the horror...  
Reeve: Tseng? What happened man?  
Tseng: ...The things I have seen....the horror...  
Rufus: You said that already. New info please.  
Tseng: I...flew ahead of the other Turks...found Pooky-Wookums...  
Rufus: *GAZP* You found him!? Where is he!?  
Tseng: ...In...the round pool...where water descends...high in the...  
sky...urgh...  
Rufus: Why must you choose your last moments of life to speak in  
riddles? That just makes me so angry... [Pulls his shotgun and blows  
Tseng away]  
Reeve: Noooooooooooo!!!!  
Rufus: Oh, stop it. Let's go.  
Reeve: Okay.  
  
[ In the lobby... ]  
  
Red XIII: No, I don't have an appointment... Can I make one now?  
Secretary: Of course, but you'll have to wait a while.  
Red XIII: But this is an emergency!  
Secretary: Don't make me take a rolled up newspaper to your tail, dog.  
Red XIII: My dignity..PLEASE!?  
Cloud: WOAAAHHH!!! [He, along with the rest of AVALANCHE descend  
via  
the glass elevators]  
Cid: What the hell you screaming for, you big idiot!?  
Cloud: I was pretending that I was flying!! Hee hee hee!  
Cid: Okay, that does it. Here, hold these. [Hands Cloud a stack of  
books]  
Cloud: Okay! [Takes the books] What're these for?  
Cid: Satisfaction. I've wanted to do this a long time now. [He then  
proceeds to dump Clouds books before depanting him]  
Cloud: Hey!! You big...bully!! *Sniff* I'm gonna tell my mudduh on you!  
Cid: Heh...moron.  
Cloud: Waaaaaahhh!! [Shuffles around, his pants at his ankles]  
Red XIII: Hey! Guys! ..Uh..and Cloud!  
Barret: It's Red thirteeeeen! And he gots our materia!  
[The gang takes several minutes to equip their materia, and Cid smacks  
Cloud around a few more times after the spikey-head fool insists on  
using the HP-MP materia. Cid finally trashes it]  
Barret: Okay! Les' move!  
Cid: Damn straight! Time to kick some ass!  
Cloud: Can someone help me put my pants back on?  
Tifa: Hee hee... I'll do it!  
Barret: No, I'll do it. [Yanks Clouds pants up, half the material going  
up Clouds rear]  
Cloud: YEEEEEOW!!!!!  
Red XIII: Let's go!  
Cid: Wait, where to?  
Red XIII: Uhhhhh...the 70th floor! Hojo plans to take over, so he's  
bound to pay Rufus a visit!  
[The gang boards the elevator and goes up toward the 70th floor just  
as Heidegger and a group of SOLDIERS descend in the other elevator]  
Heidegger: GYA!? Follow them back up! Push 70!  
  
[At that time, outside Lucrecia's cave...]  
  
Reno: We made it. No sign of Tseng though.  
Elena: Maybe he took his dreamy self somewhere else!  
Reno: State the obvious, why don't you.  
Rude: ...Especially the "dreamy" part.  
Reno: .........  
Elena: ........  
Rude: .......  
Reno: Right, so...the tracking thingy says that the bear is behind this  
waterfall.  
Elena: Are you sure?  
Reno: Uh...no.  
Elena: You have no idea how to read that thing, do you.  
Reno: Uh...no.  
Elena: Gimmie that! Hmmm, yup. He is behind here.  
Rude: Let's go.  
Vincent: Halt!  
Turks: Duuuh? [They all look up at the cliffside above the waterfall]  
Vincent: [Stands tall, his cape flowing in the breeze] You may go no  
further, fouls ones!  
Elena: Hey! I'm not foul! These two, however...  
Reno: What!?  
Rude: ...My feelings...  
Vincent: Dance! [Begins firing at the Turk's feet]  
Elena: Woah! Watch it!  
Reno: I could dance a lot better without you shooting at my feet!  
Rude: Channel your feelings...be at peace... Wah!  
Vincent: Heh, heh, heh... You can dance if you want to..you can leave  
your friends behind...  
  
[ Back on floor 70... ]  
  
Rufus: Is the Helicopter ready?  
Reeve: Yes, sir.  
Hojo: STOP!  
Rufus: In the name of what?  
Reeve: In the name of love! Hee hee!  
Rufus: You're fired. Now, what is it, Hojo?  
Hojo: Surrender your empire to me!  
Rufus: Why?  
Hojo: Because I have this MACHINE!  
Rufus: So?  
Hojo: It is the dreaded POTATO CHIP CRUMBLER!  
Rufus: I don't even like potato chips.  
Hojo: Fool! That's just it's CODE NAME! The machine really KILLS HAIR!  
Rufus: You're pretty dumb for a scientist. Hair is already dead.  
Hojo: Unnggh! NooooOoOooOOooOOoo!! I mean it kills HAIRSTYLES!  
Rufus: Oh no! Well, the empire is yours. Let me just get the Key to  
the executive washroom for you...  
Barret: Hold it!  
Cid: AVALANCHE is here to save the day!  
Rufus: Hah! I wasn't going to give you that key anyway.  
Hojo: Drat! Feel the wrath of my machine! [Turns the machine on Cloud]  
Cloud: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! My hair! It's so delicate! How could you!?  
Hojo: HWA HWA HWA HWA HWA!! Feel my folicle wrath!  
Cid: Holy crap! His hair is STRAIGHT and long now! So plain...so dull..  
Barret: Sheild your eyes, Tifa...  
Tifa: Ohhh! Cloud!!!  
Heidegger: There they are! Protect the President, men!  
SOLDIER Captain: Aye-aye, General! Surround them, troops!  
Red XIII: Could this have gone more wrong?  
Sephiroth: [Appears and takes Reeve hostage] Hah!  
Reeve: Wait! I don't even work here anymore!!  
Sephiroth: My socks or his life, Hojo!  
Hojo: Oh, like I care about him!  
Reeve: NO! Really, I FEEL the LOVE! SHEESH!  
Rufus: Someone call off my dinner date for tonight. It doesn't seem  
I'll be able to make it.  
Cid: Oh, shut up, fancy pants!  
Heidegger: ATTACK!!!!  
Rufus: ...I'll just be...outside...  
  
[ Back at Lucrecia's Cave... ]  
  
Lucrecia: The Turks...they are outside fighting Vincent, Master Pooky-  
Wookums....  
Pooky-Wookums: ..........  
Lucrecia: No, I don't doubt your power.... I also feel a disturbance  
in Midgar. Hojo, Sephiroth, and the others have gathered... The time  
of absolution draws near....  
Pooky-Wookums: ..........  
  
[ Outside the cave... ]  
  
Reno: Okay! Take him down, Rude!  
Rude: ...How?  
Reno: Use your STRENGTH!  
Rude: But, he's way up high... I can't reach him...  
Vincent: I am invincible!! [He loses his footing suddenly and falls  
down to the ground at Rudes feet] Uh...  
Rude: ........ [A smirk finds it's way to his face]  
Reno: Heh, heh...kick his caped ass, Rude.  
Vincent: Darn....  
  
  
Narrator: Woah nelly! The end is upon us! AVALANCHE, Hojo, Sephiroth,  
AND the Shinra Executives have finally gathered! All that's left is the  
grand entrance of Pooky-Wookums and Lucrecia! But didn't  
Pooky-Wookums  
predict that they would come to him!? What surprises await our  
heroes/bad guys!? And will Vincent survive his run-in with the Turks!?  
Find out next time in the final chapter of.....  
  
"What the #%$&^!?"  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
  
All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 [except Ralph and Pooky!] 


	7. It All Ends Here, Kinda

"What the #%$&^!?"  
  
A Final Fnatasy VII Story  
  
Written By: Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
Part VII  
  
[The scene opens outside Lucrecia's cave. Vincent is tied up, bloody and bruised. Rude is massaging his own knuckles as Reno and Elena look for a way behind the waterfall]  
  
Reno: I think maybe if we run really fast, we can get through without even getting wet!  
  
Elena: No, it won't matter how fast we run...  
  
Reno: Oh, yeah you must be right. Well, who's gonna go first?  
  
Rude: .....I took care of Vamperilla, so one of you should go first....  
  
Vincent: I RESENT THAT! Vamperilla has much better breasts than I do.  
  
Elena: Right, well, I guess that means you can go first, Reno.  
  
Reno: Hey, sit on it, Elena! You go first!  
  
Elena: Sit on what now?  
  
Reno: SIT ON TSENG'S....  
  
Rude: [Slaps a hand over Reno's mouth] ....Don't even say it.  
  
[Meanwhile, inside Lucrecia's cave....]  
  
Lucrecia: Things seem to be coming to a head, Master Pooky-Wookums. The time is nigh. USE YOUR MAGIC! UNLEASH THE POWER OF FRUIT JUICE! ...Wait, no. UNLEASH THE POWER OF MAKO!  
  
[Suddenly, Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako Bear, started to glow a bright green. The light grew more and more intense until a massive explosion issued forth!]  
  
Lucrecia: EYYYAAAAARGHH!!!!!  
  
[Outside the cave...]  
  
Reno: What's that bright light?  
  
Elena: Uh...RUN FOR COVER!  
  
Reno: Where!?  
  
Elena: Uh...into the pool of water!  
  
Rude: ...Damn, and I just had this suit pressed...  
  
Reno: Forget it, Rude! [Dives in]  
  
Elena: Yeah! Come on! [Dives in]  
  
Rude: Well, it really costs a lot to get a suit pressed...I think I'll just hang out up here until....  
  
Vincent: SOMEONE DRAG ME INTO THE POOL!? PLEASE!?? AACKK!!  
  
[The light engulfed the area outside the cave and exploded outward, heading in the general direction of Midgar to the East]  
  
[On the 70th floor balcony of the Shin-Ra Building...]  
  
Rufus: Is my chopper ready?  
  
Heidegger: Yes sir! The SOLDIERS are holding off Cloud and Sephiroth and the others! Now is the time to escape!  
  
Rufus: Yes, yes. Most excellent. Well then, adieu.  
  
Reeve: WAIT!! Sir, please! I managed to get away from Sephiroth in the fray! Rehire me and take me with you! I have some information about Pooky-Wookums!  
  
Rufus: Oh do you? You're re-hired. Now tell me what you know.  
  
Reeve: Well, while Sephiroth had me in his evil clutches...  
  
Rufus: Please do not use cliches like that. Continue.  
  
Reeve: ...uh..in his grasp. I heard him mumble something about the true power of Pooky-Wookums combined with the awesome lucky power of his socks, which Hojo apparently currently has!  
  
Rufus: I see... This poses a problem. Heidegger, get one of your men to seize the lucky socks from Hojo's feet and have them brought to me immediately.  
  
Heidegger: YESSIR! GYA HA HA! [Shuffles away to give the orders]  
  
Reeve: Uh, maybe we should go, like, now, Mister President.  
  
Rufus: Why do you say that in such an annoying tone?  
  
Reeve: Annoying..? Dah..look, sir!  
  
[Rufus turns to see a bright green light heading in the direction of Midgar. He simply stares at it]  
  
Reeve: Uh....sir? Sir? Why do you always stare at dangerous things!? SIR!?  
  
Rufus: ........ [Stare]  
  
Reeve: DAMMIT!  
  
[Iside the 70th floor office...]  
  
Barret: RATTA-TATTA! RATTA-TATTA-TATTA! You gonna' die!  
  
SOLIDER #4: Augh! You were right! I'm dead! [Fall]  
  
Barret: YEAH! You next, Hojo!  
  
Hojo: LIAR! I still have my machine! You won't dare!  
  
Barret: Hah! I ain't got no hairdo, foo'! Yo' machina be useless against me, honky!  
  
Hojo: CRAP IN A BUCKET! The only flaw in my plan which I never foresaw! Curse my lack of brilliance and my charming good looks!  
  
Heidegger: [Rushes in and whispers to the SOLIDER Captain]  
  
SOLIDER Captain: Yessir! We'll seize the socks immediately!  
  
Sephiroth: I heard that! Not if I get to them first! RAAHH!!!  
  
SOLDIER #2: Noooooo!!! [Lunges and grabs Sephiroth by the legs, making him fall]  
  
Sephiroth: PATHETIC WORM! I'LL DICE YOU INTO BAIT! [SliceSliceSliceSliceSlice]  
  
SOLDIER #2: [Looks around] Hey! You missed!  
  
Sephiroth: #%$&^!!!!  
  
Cid: Hey! That's my line! Enough of this! [Jumps into the air, but smashes his head on the ceiling] OW! Ugh.... [Fall...THUD]  
  
Cloud: Cid! Nooooo!  
  
Red XIII: Nevermind! I'll use a Phoenix Down on him! You and Tifa get the socks!  
  
Tifa: Okay! Hey, Hojo!  
  
Hojo: What!?  
  
Tifa: Wouldn't you like to experiment....ON THESE!? [Lifts her shirt up]  
  
Hojo: HOLY CRAP! You bet I would! Let me get my dissection kit!  
  
Tifa: Uh...HELP!  
  
Cloud: NEVER, HOJO! YOU WON'T HURT MY LOVE PILLOWS!  
  
Tifa: Cloud! Everyone is listening!  
  
Cloud: Oopsie-daisey...uh...  
  
Cid: [Kicks Cloud in the ass] STUPID SHIT! Don't say that! Let's rush 'im!  
  
Cloud: Okay! 1, 2, 3.....HUT! HUT!  
  
[Cloud and Cid rush Hojo and tackle him, but unfortunately for them, the SOLIDER Captain takes the opportunity to snatch the socks off Hojo's feet and rushes them back to Heidegger]  
  
Heidegger: Excellent! The President will be pleased! NOW KILL EVERYONE HERE! [Runs away]  
  
SOLIDER Captain: YESSIR! Everyone...SHOOT TO KILL!!  
  
Barret: Okay! [Starts shooting SOLDIERs dead]  
  
SOLIDER Captain: D'oh! Not you! OUR GUYS! KILL THEM GUYS!  
  
SOLDIER #1: We're trying, but it's like we're no match for them or something! I FEEL SO MUCH LIKE AN NPC!!!  
  
Cid: You are, ass! [Spears him] Hahahaha! I love doing that!  
  
Tifa: The socks are getting away!  
  
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME SO I CAN GET MY SOCKS! I PAID LIKE 2000 GIL FOR THOSE THINGS! I EVEN HAVE THE RECEIPT! THEY ARE SO MINE!  
  
SOLDIER #2: I'm not letting go of you tonight!  
  
Hojo: My plan is foiled! But you'll not have me! DISAPPEAR! [And in a puff of smoke, Hojo was gone]  
  
Cloud: Hey! Look, the sun is rising.  
  
Cid: The sun ain't green, gay-wad. That's....uh...something bad, I think.  
  
[Everyone stops to look out the window as the green light draws ever closer. Meanwhile, back outside on the balcony, several MP' are loading Rufus onto the chopper...]  
  
Reeve: Sheesh...he's still just staring. Oh well, at least we got him on the chopper...  
  
Heidegger: Hurry! I have the socks! MOVE MOVE MOVE!  
  
Reeve: Okay! Okay! Don't be so pushy! You stinky man.  
  
Heidegger: Shut up! [Grabs Reeve and throws him inside the chopper before climbing in]  
  
Reeve: GO PILOT! GET US OUT OF HERE!  
  
[The chopper takes off just as the green light slams into the top of the Shin-Ra Building, the light explodes again upon hitting the building and manages to engulf the fleeing helicopter as well. As soon as the light fades, everyone on the 70th floor is gone, including the chopper]  
  
[Back at Lucrecia's cave...]  
  
[The light dims down and finally disappears. Rude, Vincent (still tied up), Cloud and the gang, Sephiroth, the two still living SOLDIERS and Rufus and his entire chopper are all inside the cave now. Pooky-Wookums slowly goes back to his normal brownish color and Lucrecia uncovers her eyes]  
  
Lucrecia: Woooaahh...that was pretty nifty.  
  
Cloud: OMIGAWD! Where are we!? I'm so scared! Hold me, Cid!  
  
Cid: You even TOUCH me and I'll rip your arm off and beat you with it, I SWEAR!  
  
Barret: Uh...this looks like that ladies place. Y'know, Vincent's ho's house.  
  
Vincent: Hey! She's no ho'! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!  
  
Rude: I don't think that's gonna happen, Chief...  
  
Reeve: [Stepping out of the chopper as it lands] Uh...how'd we get here?   
  
Rufus: [Following behind Reeve] It's obviously the work of Pooky-Wookums. How dense are you?  
  
Reeve: What? But...I...ugh...pretty dense, sir.  
  
Rufus: No duh. Well, Pooky-Wookums. We meet again for the first time at last for the second time since the first.  
  
Pooky-Wookums: .............  
  
Rufus: So you play coy, do you? Why have you brought us here?  
  
Lucrecia: SILENCE! Do not speak to Master Pooky-Wookums!  
  
Rufus: How DARE you silence me. I'll shoot your eyes out for that one, I guarantee.  
  
Cid: All of ya' shut the hell up! We're takin' the damn bear, the socks and Vincent and we're leaving! Capice!?  
  
Rufus: Oh, well, you sure did tell us. Unfortunately for you, I have yet to play my trump card. You see, I have the socks already and I have your friend Mister Santa Valentine. All I need is my Pooky-Wookums back and you will all tremble before me and my unlimited power.  
  
Cloud: Duh...?  
  
Sephiroth: No! You WRETCH! That power is meant to be mine! You cannot possess it! I WILL NOT LET YOU! ....IF THIS FRIGGEN SOLDIER WILL EVER LET ME GO!!!  
  
SOLIDER #2: Never!  
  
Cid: Damn! Well, uh...WE CAN STILL TAKE THE BEAR! [Rushes over and grabs Pooky-Wookums]  
  
Lucrecia: NO! NO! AAACCKK!! Give him back! He's my friend!  
  
Rufus: He's MY best friend!  
  
Cid: No one move or I'll cut the bears head off!  
  
?????: I wouldn't do that if I were you!  
  
Cid: Huh!? Who's that!?  
  
Cloud: ...Familiar voice...  
  
[A shadowy figure emerges from an upper ledge inside the cave]  
  
?????: You IDIOTS!! I've been trying to do the world a FAVOR by ASSASSINATING Rufus and you run the damn bear all over the place instead of leaving it with him as I planned! Now all of you will have to die in order for me to complete my goal! Nn!  
  
Tifa: Who are you!? What does the bear have to do with assassinating Rufus!?  
  
Rufus: Yes, please do expand on that topic.  
  
?????: The Mako-Bear is implanted with a complex and very powerful MAKO-BOMB along with some other very EXPENSIVE electronics, like the experimental MAKO-POWERED teleportation device which brought you all here!  
  
Cloud: Experimental!? What if something had gone wrong!?  
  
?????" You'd all be genderless drones made out of cardboard. Either that or your bodies would've exploded. But hey, it WORKED!  
  
Rufus: This is all very bad. We should be going now, Heidegger.  
  
Heidegger: YESSIR! Back on the chopper!  
  
?????: NOT SO FAST! You may have avoided death so far, but now you will PERISH! In my hand I hold the detonation device for the bomb inside Pooky-Wookums! You're all about to DIE!  
  
Barret: WAIT! If you detonate da shi' now, you gonna be dyin' right 'long with us, foo'!  
  
?????: What!? AW CRAP! You're right. Look here, I'm just gonna go outside THEN detonate it. The thick walls of this mountain should contain the explosion AND make recovery of your bodies totally imossible! GOOD DEAL! Now if you'll excuse me....  
  
[And the shadow disappeared into the darkness above]  
  
Sephiroth: YOU FOOLS! If you'd all just surrendered to ME like I initially ORDERED you to we'd not be in this mess! I hope you're all happy...  
  
Reeve: Wait, Sephiroth! If Pooky-Wookums is just a BOMB and electronic teleportation device, why'd you say he had magical powers!?  
  
Lucrecia: ....Because he DOES. Whoever that goober was on the ledge is apparently oblivious to Master Pooky-Wookums power and mistook him for a normal Mako-Bear of Rufus'.  
  
Rufus: Well, he IS mine. I've had him since I was five.  
  
Lucrecia: No, Rufus. You've been deceived. Master Pooky-Wookums is an incarnate of the Ancients. He was somehow mis-implanted in the body of a toy Mako-Bear instead of his human counterpart. The truth is....Heidegger washed your real Mako-Bear because he said it smelled like poop...  
  
Rufus: Well, I was five. Sometimes accidents happen...  
  
Lucrecia: ...uh..anyway, Heidegger washed your Mako-Bear, ruining it. He then bought this Mako-Bear, who happened to carry the soul of an Ancient, to replace it. In this state, Master Pooky-Wookums can only speak to those of us who have become in tune with the Planet.  
  
Rufus: Heidegger, you are FIRED. I'll KILL you later.  
  
Heidegger: .....Gya....  
  
Cid: Forget that! Looks like we're all about to be killed anyway! We've been sitting here TALKING while the weirdo is going outside to blow us up! WE SHOULD BE GOING NOW, MORONS!  
  
Barret: Damn! You right! Everyone make fo' the exit! Single file!  
  
Sephiroth: It's no use. Look.  
  
[The exit of the cave has a large, iron gate over it]  
  
Cloud: Oh no! He trapped us! We're DOOMED!  
  
Cid: *SniffSniff* Cloud...did you just crap your pants!?  
  
Cloud: Uh....no. [The butt of Clouds pants are all lumpy now]  
  
Barret: UGH! We gotta suffer with this shi' now 'til we die!  
  
Red XIII: My heightened sense of smell is not good at this point. I'm woozy...ungh... *Thud*  
  
Cid: Well, great. You just killed Red XIII. Nice going, Cloud!  
  
[Meanwhile, outside the cave, Reno and Elena have pulled themselves out of the water...]  
  
Reno: So what happened to Rude and Vincent? They were right here when that light hit them.  
  
Elena: I hear voices inside the cave. I bet they ended up in there!  
  
Reno: Let's go get 'em! [Reno charges into the waterfall, but slams into the iron gate on the other side] Oof! My skull is bleeding!  
  
Elena: Now what do we do?  
  
Reno: Thanks for your concern over my concussion! Ow...  
  
Elena: I got an idea! We left our buggy parked outside Nibelheim...Reno, go get it!  
  
[Back inside the cave...]  
  
Sephiroth: It's no use. Without my socks, and the addition of this CRUMPET hanging onto my leg...  
  
SOLDIER #2: I'll never let go!  
  
Sephiroth: ...I can't work this gate open. It's hopeless. I suppose we may as well resign ourselves to this fate.  
  
Tifa: Well, Cloud already has....  
  
[Cloud is over in the corner, sucking his thumb and reciting nursery rhymes to himself]  
  
Rufus: I can still delight in taking care of you, Heidegger.  
  
Heidegger: Sir! Please! It was an accident! You never even knew the difference!  
  
Rufus: Like it matters. You killed the real Pooky-Wookums! YOU DIE! [Rufus raises his shotgun and shoots Heidegger in the chest]  
  
Heidegger: Ugh! My heart! *THUD*  
  
Reeve: Sir, do you hear that?  
  
Rufus: Hmm, sounds like a Shin-Ra Buggy...  
  
Reno: Hi! We'll have you guys outta here soon!  
  
Reeve: Ah! Reno! Hurry! There's a guy about to blow us up!  
  
Reno: No shit!? We'll work fast then! [Reno has tied a cable to the iron gate] GUN IT, ELENA! [He then disappears on the other side of the waterfall as the engine of the buggy can be heard]  
  
Cid: Shit! Hope this works!  
  
[Moments later, the gate flies off the hinges and into the waterfall. Then a lasso appears and falls around Rufus, Reeve, Heideggers body and Rude. Outside, Reno is in the back of the buggy with a white cowboy hat on, holding the other end of the rope lasso in his hands]  
  
Reno: Yehaw! I got 'em! Gun it, Cowgirl Elena!  
  
Elena: Ch'....weirdo. You look stupid in that hat, too.  
  
Reno: Aw, shut up and go!  
  
[Elena takes off, dragging Rude, Rufus, Reeve and Heideggers body along behing them]  
  
Rufus: THIS IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO TRANSPORT THE PRESIDENT! OW!  
  
Reeve: AUGH! THERE'S DIRT IN MY FACE! OOF!  
  
Rude: .....................Weeee!  
  
[They disappear in the distance, a trail of dust left in their wake]  
  
Cid: Come on! We need to get outta here too! EVERYONE OUT!  
  
Tifa: ME FIRST! ME FIRST!  
  
Barret: Yeah! [Picks up Red XIII and runs out]  
  
Cloud: Wait for me! [Hobbles out last, the back of his pants sloshing back and forth]  
  
Sephiroth: LET GO OF ME!  
  
SOLDIER #2: NO! We must go! [He is dragging Sephiroth out by his leg] I'll save you!  
  
Sephiroth: LEAVE ME BE! I'd rather die! This is so humiliating...  
  
Lucrecia: I'm sorry, Master Pooky-Wookums. Nothing can be done. We tried... now rest in peices...I mean Peace..hee hee...  
  
[Lucrecia then disappears in a shine of white light...]  
  
Vincent: Uh...fella's? YOU GUYS ALL LEFT ME HERE! I'm still tied up...I CAN'T MOVe! HELP! HELP!  
  
[On the other side of the mountain...]  
  
?????: Hahahaha! NOW DIE, RUFUS! DIE!  
  
[The shady figure pushes the button and Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako-Bear, explodes, causing Lucrecias cave to collapse in on itself...]  
  
?????: Gee, I sure hope he didn't escape, considering it took me like half an hour to put myself in this safe location. Oh well, I did my part for the Planet anyway. Yay! Now back to Costa Del Sol...  
  
[Just then, Elena and the gang drive up in the buggy. Rufus and the others are now seated in the buggy]  
  
Rufus: Stop the buggy. That's the man from the cave there. Arrest him!  
  
?????: Ugh! Why me!? I just wanted to help!? WHY DO I ALWAYS MESS UP! [Falls on the ground, holding his head] Wahhh!!  
  
Reno: What a crybaby. Cuff 'im, Rude.  
  
Rude: You have no rights. Anything you don't say could get you killed. If you struggle, I'll break anything I can get ahold of. If you cry, I reserve the right to kick you in the balls...  
  
?????: Everyone misunderstands me! Wah! Wah! Lemme go!  
  
Elena: Hey, isn't this the guy we busted on several occasions for illegal drug use and interfering in official Turk Business?  
  
Reno: Yeah! As I recall, he fled Midgar just before we dropped the Sector 7 Plate! Lucky bastard up 'til now!  
  
Johnny: Yeah! Real lucky! I suffer all my life, then I try to settle down and my girl leaves me, so naturally I have to KILL her...then I decide to help the AVALANCHE cuz they just couldn't seem to leave me alone...and when I do, I still mess up and almost kill them...THEN YOU GUYS FIND ME!! I HATE YOU!  
  
Rude: ....Thanks for confessing to Murder there....  
  
Johnny: ...DAMMIT!  
  
Rufus: Load this felon up and take me back to Headquarters. I need a shower and fresh change of clothes. I'm filthy.  
  
Elena: Yessir!  
  
Reeve: Can I give you the sponge bath this time, sir?  
  
Rufus: No, Palmer is signed up for that this week. You're next week, remember?  
  
Reeve: Oh, right. Sure.  
  
[And they drove off into the sunset.]  
  
[Back at Rocket Town, AVALANCHE is celebrating their survival...]  
  
Barret: Well, we came outta' a mess again! Cheers to us!  
  
Tifa: Yup! But I wonder what happened to the lucky socks?  
  
Cid: Shit, they're gone, Tifa. I saw Rufus drop them when he was lassoed and dragged outta the cave. They buried along with Pooky-Wookums...what's left of 'im.  
  
Cloud: Ahh, fresh pants. But you know, I feel like we forgot something somewhere...  
  
Red XIII: Hmm, I've had that feeling as well, now that I'm concious again...  
  
Cloud: Uh...hee hee...sorry...  
  
Barret: Well, Yuffie didn't strike again. We still gots all our Materios. Rufus and them got away, but I dunno what we coulda possibly forgot.  
  
Cloud: You're probably right. Maybe it's just that I left my car keys...  
  
Cid: Y'ain't got a car, asspipe.  
  
Cloud: There's that one I MADE, Cid.  
  
Cid: It's cardboard, Cloud. Just shut the #%$&^ up!  
  
[Down in the depths of the crater...]  
  
Sephiroth: Wahhhhhh!!! I LOST MY SOCKS! I LOST THE BEAR! I LOST IT ALL!! ...BUT I CAN'T LOSE THIS SOLDIER!! GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!  
  
SOLDIER #2: I can't! I gotta hold you! ORDERS ARE ORDERS!  
  
Sephiroth: Ooo..just you wait. My luck may be like 0%, but after I sit here and absorb some of the Lifestream, it'll raise...THEN YOU'LL DIE!  
  
SOLDIER #2: I won't let go! Even if you threaten me!  
  
Sephiroth: ...Can you at least loosen your grip? I can't feel my leg...  
  
SOLDIER #2: NO! NO! NO!  
  
Sephiroth: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, SHIN-RA! AND CLOUD AND HIS FRIENDS, TOO! I'LL GET YOU ALL!!!!!  
  
[Finally, in the ruined debris of Lucrecia's cave...]  
  
Vincent: ...Ugh...I survived..but..I can't get out. Damn! How could they forget me!? I was on BOTH sides and NO ONE remembered me! If I ever get outta here, I'm gonna join Sephiroth! He has that awesome benefits package, too... I read it in his pamphlet. Hmm...hey, what's that? Looks like a pair of socks. They're in great condition too. I know! When I get out, I'll send them to Sephiroth as a gift! That way he'll be more likely to accept me! And look! They even have an "S" already embroidered on them! Sephiroth was looking for some socks anyway, as I recall. I'm sure to get in good with him now! ....Uh...better start digging my way out... I'll move one stone per week. Yeah, that seems managable. So...one....  
  
Narrator: And so ends the story of "What the #%$&^!?" Thank you for reading this story! We'll see you next time for more adventures from Cloud and the gang! Until next time, keep your head held high and your feet on the ground! And always keep track of your socks. That's very important. Like brushing your teeth or avoiding wandering around heavy machinery with your genitals hanging out. Oh, it's time for my medicine. So long!  
  
The End  
  
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1997  
  
Written by: R. Keith Sewell 


End file.
